Mar 8: Calm Yourself

So, my sister and I have this ongoing issue between us where we really get on each other's nerves.  She gets frustrated with me because I am flaky and irresponsible, and I get frustrated with her because she gets angry a lot and really easily.  Sometimes we can keep things light-hearted and joke about our flaws.  Other times it turns into a knock-down, drag-out, war of the words and things get ugly.  I drive her crazy with my talk about controlling anger, being more centered, having a peaceful heart, blah blah blah.  Most of the time it just makes her more angry.  But how can I preach this theory of cool heads, even tempers to people if I can't even control my own anger?  I have come a really long way, I think, in the past few months.  But tonight, as I was waiting for my sister, who was hugging her boyfriend FOREVER, I was getting so impatient, then frustrated, then angry.  "Why is she taking so long?!  Doesn't she know I'm waiting for her?!  Can she only think about herself?!  Are they trying to be funny?!"  When she finally started walking back to the van I tried to take a deep breath and calm myself down, but that only provided me with the air I needed to attack her.  "Are you serious?  Why would you make me wait that long?  That's so rude!"  "I'm sorry..."  "No you're not."  "He gave me a necklace."  "I don't care."  (silence)  "I'm sorry.  I do care.  I just got really frustrated.  What's it look like?"  And thus in a matter of seconds, I went up the angry scale and glided right back down again all by myself.  What's the point, after all?  Am I really going to care that much about this in an hour?  How bout a week?  A month?  A year?  Maybe it's a good idea to start measuring things on a scale of how long we'll actually care about them, how much they actually affect our lives, before we indulge too deeply in expressing our anger.

If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do not feed the habit; give it nothing which may tend to its increase.

EPICTETUS

Click here to watch a humorous video about ways to Calm Yourself

Mar 7: Try the Rule of Five

Okay, so I was supposed to work with my Dad today, but after a strange morning I ended up back at the house with the rest of the day before me and nothing that I had to do.  There were lots of things I wanted to do, but couldn't get up the initial enthusiasm for, like working in the yard, cleaning my room, meditating, etc.  (Why anyone should need enthusiasm to meditate is beyond me, but sometimes sitting still and doing nothing is harder than making yourself get up and doing something.)  Anyway, I remembered this old trick that I made up a long time ago when I'd gone through a similar phase of trying to do a few select things daily:  the Rule of Five.  The Rule of Five states that most often, if you can make yourself start something with the intention to do it for at least five minutes, it is easier to start and you will end up doing it much longer.  So this afternoon when I really wanted to take a nap I thought, "I'll work on the yard for 'five minutes'."  I ended up working for over an hour.  Then when I wanted to watch a movie I thought "First I'll meditate for 'five minutes'."  I ended up meditating for 45 minutes.  Most of the time, the hardest part is just getting started.  We are like cars that need a push-start, but then run great.  So next time you're facing some task you really don't feel like doing, just tell yourself, "I'll do it for five minutes.  Five minutes is nothing."  Sometimes you will only want to do it for five minutes.  But five minutes can add up over a week, a month, a year.  Most of the time, however, it will be just the start you need to get going, and then you won't want to stop.

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.”  - Mark Twain

Mar 6: Don't Go There

One of my favorite movies is "The Fantastic Mr. Fox."  And one of my favorite lines is when Ash says "There are a lot of attitudes going on around here.  Don't let me get one."  Living in a big family, you get used to having a lot of attitudes around.  He is grumpy because his truck is acting up, she is worried because the electricity might get shut off, she is peaceful because she just meditated, she is tired because she's been working, she is happy because a cute boy talked to her today, he is excited because his friend is coming over.  There are so many emotions, feelings, and thoughts going on within one household at one time, that we are bond to bump, collide, and rub off on each other.  If we are lucky, it is the good moods that become contagious.  But more often than not, it is the bad moods that spread... like a virus.  Family, more than anyone else, knows how to push us over the edge with the least amount of effort.  A simple phrase or look can send us into a "self-destructive rage spiral."  Yesterday I was reading "Eat, Pray, Love," (again) and she mentions how her guru recommends not letting yourself fall apart too often, because it becomes a habit.  That instead, we should practice staying strong.  At first I thought this was kind of harsh.  We all need to fall apart sometimes, don't we?  It's healthy to have a good cry, right?  Well today I almost fell apart.  It was over something that started small and escalated quickly.  I drove away from the situation, thinking I would go to a park, have a heavy conversation with myself, maybe cry for awhile.  But instead I drove straight to my best friends' house.  I didn't have my cell, so I couldn't call ahead and see if she was there, or warn her that I was a wreck.  I just showed up thinking, well, if she isn't here I'll go with plan A.  But she was there.  And though I did vent for a couple minutes, my problems seemed very small and petty compared to all that she is dealing with.  She is a single mother of two young children, living at her parents' house, dealing with an ex, and going to school full time.  I felt pretty stupid, getting so upset over something that really wasn't that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.  By the time I left, I was really glad that I didn't let myself fall apart.  Why go there?  Why indulge in that when it was a beautiful day, I was strong and healthy, I have family and friends who love me, I have talents and pleasures and so much to be grateful for and to look forward to?  I believe we have more control over our thoughts and feelings than we sometimes realize.  Life is too precious to waste one minute of it in despair, anger, regret, worry, or anything else that doesn't help us or those around us.  So next time you feel yourself on the verge of a powerful and destructive emotion, consider what good it will do to let yourself go there.  And then, just maybe, choose not to go at all.

Mar 5: Think "Why not me?"

So one of the many annoying things my little sister says whenever asked to do something she doesn't want to do is "Why me?"  Put away the movie you got out.  "Why me?  I wasn't the only one who watched it." (This particular conversation went on for what seemed like forever.  Finally the dvd got up and said "Oh my gosh! Fine!  I'll put myself away!")   We all have things that we don't want to do.  They might not be particularly hard or time-consuming, or even selfless, we just don't want to do them.  Today I had three such opportunities.  My dad was out working in the yard.  He is a hopelessly disorganized business owner- a bad combination.  He was in the backyard, clouds forming overhead, staring at the bed of his truck, surrounded by buckets, tools, tarps, and other construction paraphernalia, and looked as if he was either about to climb under the truck in a soppy pile and cry or have a stroke.  I went out and made a little small talk with him, knowing he needed help but thinking (selfishly) of all the things I wanted to get done.  (Like write a new article for visitsouth, clean my room, read, meditate, and not work in the yard.)  I wanted very badly to slink back into the house and cloister myself in my room.  But instead I took a deep breath and simply said, "Need some help?"  Later when my stressed out mother was trying to handle the kids, make a pie, and get ready to go out, I offered to go to the store for her.  Anyway, even though this post seems very uppity, I think I have illustrated quite thoroughly the innate selfishness I possess.  I did not want to do these things and of course the first thought in my mind was "Why me?"  But then I tried to use on myself what I try to use on my sister.  "Why not me?"  This needs to be done, why don't I do it?  This person needs help, why don't I help them?  Why is this an important concept to me?  Because I hope the next time my car brakes down, or I am choking in a restaurant, or I am carrying something that is clearly too heavy for me, that the people who see this ask themselves the same question.

"Let me do all the good I can, to all the people I can, as often as I can, for I shall not pass this way again."

~ John Wesley

Mar 4: Don't Assume You Already Know the Answer

So... tonight was the March First Friday Artwalk, which I wrote an article about for visitsouth.com and was really excited to go to.  There was one problem, I didn't have anyone to go with me.  Now, I am not the kind of person who can never be alone.  In fact, I need constant blocks of time in which to be alone or I will lose it.  But sometimes you just feel like enjoying something with someone.  I was just getting ready to go by myself, but for some reason, at the last minute, I asked my dad.  Now, my dad used to be quite the social butterfly, I hear, when he was young- surfing, girls, hangin' out, goin' out, causin' trouble.  But since I have known him (and especially in the last few years), he has gained a reputation as somewhat of a loner.  While he wistfully tells us stories of his former glories, he is content, for the most part, with his bed, a strange documentary, and some scrambled eggs.  He doesn't like going out, he doesn't like crowds, and he has never shown much of an interest in art.  And so, when I asked him, I was sure he'd laugh or say something sarcastic, blow me off without a second thought and commence his usual evening.  But instead (after only 2 encouraging/whiny comments from me) he said yes!  Needless to say, I felt like I was having a stroke.  But when I pulled my jaw off the floor I was delighted.  I hope I showed him how happy I was that he joined me.  He was so cute, pretending to be interested, being patient when it took an hour and a half instead of half an hour.  I even think he had a little fun.  Sometimes we think we know people so well, that we count them out when really all they may need is a little encouragement.  All of us want to feel loved, appreciated, and like it's never too late to surprise ourselves.

"the people you love can surprise you every day... maybe who we are isn't so much about what we do, but rather what we're capable of when we least expect it." 
— Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)

March 3: Don't Be Afraid to Hope for Things

Too late again, but hey, an hour earlier than last night.  I have been thinking lately about a comment someone made to me.  We were discussing something we both wanted to happen, but she "didn't want to get her hopes up."  I thought about what a funny expression that is.  Why are some of us so afraid to "get our hopes up?"  It made me think of another friend who said he never plans things too far in advance, because if anything went wrong, as it usually did, he would be too disappointed.  I feel sad for people who feel that way.  In trying to avoid a crushing let down, they are missing out on the deliciousness of anticipation.  Studies show that often the anticipation of something is more enjoyable than the attainment of the experience itself.  I guess people figure that the more they reach for something, the more they let themselves fantasize about a dream coming true, the higher they rise on hope's wings, the farther they will fall, the more they will hurt.  Now I am not one of those people who has succeeded at everything she's attempted and gotten everything that she wants.  I have experienced failure, defeat, and disappointment.  But I have also experienced many amazing, beautiful, wondrous things.  Things that I might never have experienced if I was too afraid to look forward to them.  When we look forward to things, we push our destiny in their direction.  If we fail, we fail, if things don't work out, well, that happens sometimes.  But it makes us that much stronger, that much more determined, that much more positive.  It's hard enough to maintain happiness is this stressed-out, unpredictable, topsy-turvy world, why deny yourself of joy just because you aren't sure if things will work out?  In fact, who's to say that our attitude toward the likelihood of something happening doesn't in fact affect whether it happens or not?  Imagine if all the writers, painters, composers, etc. in history thought, "This might not work out, so I'm not going to invest too much hope it it."  Without the hope of succeeding, we lose all purpose and motivation in even trying.  So whether it's a life-long dream or something as simple as a new recipe turning out well, don't be afraid to hope for the best.

“In all things it is better to hope than to despair” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Feb 24-March 2: Take the Good with the Bad

Oh, man, I should NOT be up this late!  But we just got our internet back today and I was itching to get blogging again.  I wrote a new article for visitsouth.com first, but have really been missing the personal catharsis I get on this blog.  A few of you who follow me regularly have been asking me why I haven't been posting, and I'll tell you why- LIFE.  It always seems that when we hit a nice rhythm or we are really satisfied or happy or peaceful about things, something happens... like a wrench thrown into... I don't know, some kind of machine.  One thing bangs into another, which snaps, until the whole thing implodes.  At least, that's how it feels.  It can be easy to get thrown off track and go in a completely different direction.  What's important, is that we get back on.  So how can we do that?  Well that depends on what kind of track we are trying to get back on, whether it's doing something regularly like exercising, writing, getting up early, being positive or kind, or refraining from something like smoking, drinking, swearing, or rolling our eyes too much.  Whatever it is that we're wanting to do or not do, sometimes life gets in the way.  Things get lost, packages arrive late, companies downsize, our favorite fingernail polish colors get discontinued, the internet goes out for a few days.  But among all that icky, frustrating, unfortunate stuff, there are little blessings... like a diamond hiding in a steaming pile of manure.  For example, even though the last few days have been "bad," I have also: gone to a festival, hung out with friends, slept in, laid out, walked on the beach, read a good book, and just today I made (with a little help from my dad), painted, and decorated 2 cute shelves for my room.  "Good" and "bad" are like the banks on the river of our life, they aren't going anywhere, and they are guiding us together, side by side.  I don't think it's a coincidence that my last blog (a whole week ago) was an "upper."  I was high on life and things were going so well.  So in a way, this comes at a perfect time.  As, I think we will some day find, most of the "bad" in our lives does.

“When things go wrong, you'll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better.”  C.S. Lewis