March 29: Circle the Wagons

This post is not so much about me as it is about my Mom.  It's just us girls right now because my Dad and brother are out camping until tomorrow.  Today I enjoyed the quiet and the gloomy, cool weather, cleaned up a little, read, made dinner and dessert.  I liked our house tonight.  Sometimes it seems too small or cluttered or dirty.  But tonight it was cozy and bright and smelled like brownies.  I was watching a classic in the living room, excited for my Mom to come home and be able to relax.  And then she arrived in tears, totally stressed out and overwhelmed by a recent meeting she'd gone to.  My sister was at her side in an instant, letting her spill out the whole story, calming her.  Then when I heard I went in as well.  This is what we do.  This is the beautiful thing about families.
     There is an old saying that goes "circle the wagons."  It comes from pioneer days when traveling companies would park their wagons in a circle.  This would shield them from harsh winds, provide a sort of central safe zone, and make the wagons easier to defend in case of an attack.  During this time, campfires would blaze, meals were made, and surely there was singing, dancing, and laughing as well.  Now it is a term which means to gather together as a group and protect, uplift, or nourish.  Hopefully we all have people in our lives who can surround us in times of distress.  A warm meal, a soft blanket, a calming word, a good laugh, this is what it takes to set us right again.  May we all try harder to uplift and comfort those around us.

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
~ Bill Withers

March 28: Be Silly

      Two of my favorite cousins spent the night last night.  The younger one, Patrick, is 4, and so he wanted to watch a really dumb movie and we all watched it with him, and had fun making fun of it.  And then as he was supposed to be "winding down" for bed, he spent a good half hour running awkwardly around the living room and making weird noises and talking to himself and growling.  It was wonderful.  Before they left today I wanted to do something fun with them, so we played the game "Curses."  For those of you who haven't played this, everyone must perform a silly challenge, like "mug the person to your left" or "pretend to tell your child their pet has died," all while acting as if you're under a curse, like "talk like a vampire" or "every time you speak, you must scratch yourself like a monkey."  Needless to say, it can be a very funny game, and quite challenging.  I once played up to 7 curses at once!  I was quite proud of myself.  Anyway, the key to this game is, you have to act silly.  Downright ridiculous.  It is really best if you have no reservations whatsoever.  And the sillier of a mood you are in, i.e. late at night, etc., the better.

     Then tonight after a friend's soccer game we came home to watch a movie and eat junk food.  The badminton set was right beside one of the couches (which face each other), so of course we ended up playing badminton in the living room and food absolutely got involved.  It was so much fun.  And then later after our friend got up to leave, we busted up laughing at his butt, which had a melted m&m smeared all over it.  There were the necessary "mess in the pants" jokes, and they left around 2 a.m.  Ever notice how the later you stay up, the sillier you get?  It's a beautiful kind of euphoria that reminds me of being a kid.  When everything was simple and little things were funny and we didn't care about what we looked like or what people thought of us.  Now if we want to be "silly," we have to really let our guard down and work at it, which is sad.  However, "a little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."  

     So try and get a little more silly into your life.  There's a great article about it at http://www.hiphomeschoolmoms.com/2011/03/the-many-benefits-of-being-silly/

March 26: Sustaining Joy

I am cranky tonight and I have a raging headache.  Nothing especially awful happened today.  In fact, I was able to paint a little, work on my book a little, read a ton... all in all it should have been a wonderful, relaxing, delicious day.  So what is this mood all about?  Just the other day I'd had an amazing meditation.  Toward the end of it I focused on all the really joyful moments in my life, just ran though one after another in my mind and it was as if I could feel that joy, that contentment, as if I was in those moments.
     I thought of a birthday of mine years ago, where my family loaded up in the van and we were driving through downtown at dusk to go over to the island to go bowling.  I remember that everyone was getting along, and the kids were excited, and I felt love as I watched the way the setting sun came through the window and colored everything gold.  I thought of the night before my first day of school at SVU, how I sat in the windowsill of my room, looking down the hill at the lights in the city, astonished that after all the months of planning and filling out papers, and figuring out money, I was finally there.  I thought of the beach house, how it smelled and how the floor was smooth and sandy beneath my feet, and the fans blew the saltiness around, and the moonlight came through our window and we could hear the waves.  I thought of my trip to England, how I'd walked the streets of Bath alone and threw coins into fountains and ate croissants and oranges under humongous trees in the park.
     It was the sweetest feeling I'd ever felt, filling me and overflowing my heart with gratitude for the wonderful moments and people in my life.  But I knew that feeling would fade as I went about the tasks of the day.  I knew that inevitably, I'd get angry at someone, I'd get annoyed with someone, I'd stub my toe, or lose something, or fail at something.  So how can we not let those setbacks derail our happiness?  How can we sustain our joy?
     Well, like any dork, I looked it up online.  And here's some steps that I found to sustaining happiness:  1.) choose it ("people are as happy as they makeup their minds to be")  2.) focus on the moment (instead of agonizing over the past or worrying about the future)  3.) enrich your relationships (with gratitude, honesty, and love)  4.) let go (don't try to judge, control, criticize, or blame others- this will only bring frustration)  5.) be compassionate toward yourself (a lot of our frustration comes from focusing on our own flaws and failures)
     This may take some work...

March 25: Enough is Enough

Oh my-lanta!  This has been one weirdo day.  (Not that being a weirdo is a bad thing.)  It started off awesome because my sister didn't have to work, so both of us got to sleep in and then we went to the beach.  We are communicating so much better now, it's amazing!  Then we came home and I did nothing for three hours but sit outside, read, pet needy cats, and swing in a hammock.  It was glorious.  Then I decided I would give myself a painting lesson.  I have this book that teaches you how to paint a particular image step by step.  Problem is, it's totally different from how I usually paint and I got frustrated and completely fell apart.  I mean, I wasn't crying or anything, but I crumpled it up and threw it passionately on the ground.  I was frustrated with myself for getting frustrated, more than anything.  And then I thought, well, maybe I'm not supposed to paint like this guy.  I have my own way of doing things and it works okay, so why bother trying to master someone else's technique?  But that prideful moment melted away when I realized that we have something to learn from anyone, no matter how different their approach.  So I cleaned up my stuff and I am going to try again tomorrow.  Then I went online to answer some emails.  A friend of mine asked if I would check out his website and give him some feedback, which tickled me pink, but also worried me because I am REALLY critical on myself, and when I get into that mode when asked for my honest opinion, I never know where to draw the line.  Luckily, it was a really good website, or I would have had to lie to him, which is not me at all.  Then I replied to an email from a friend of mine and ended up getting into a deep discourse on love and marriage.  When I started this post, I had so many thoughts swimming around in my head that I hardly knew where to start.  And then I saw one simple theme throughout my day.  "Enough is enough."  If I had applied that principle correctly, I might not have stayed out in the sun for quite so long, as I have a slightly painful pink sunburn now.  I did, however, apply it to my art lesson. I was frustrated, and I'd had enough for one day.  I could also apply it to the delicious dessert that my sister made tonight- Frozen Lemonade Pie.  Mmmm.... I cannot accurately describe how intoxicating this particular food item is for me.  If I could have only one food for the rest of my life, this would be the one.  I always want more and more and more of this tart, chilly seductress... But tonight I managed to stop at 2 small pieces.  As for my emails to my friends, hopefully it was just enough.  What a great, simple principle to apply to our lives more wisely.  Imagine if we always knew when to put down the fork, when to listen instead of talk, when to step away from an argument that isn't going anywhere, when to go to sleep, when to... you get the picture.  Surprisingly, I still have more to say on this topic, but it's late and I guess enough is enough.

"Half of art is knowing when to stop."  - Arthur William Radford

March 24: Be, Do, Have

I had this written on my hand the other day, with little flowers beside the word "Do."  My sister spotted it, and, being a girl of few words, said, "Um...."  I explained to her that in my meandering internet research I had stumbled upon a statement that embodies a technique I am trying out in my life.  This technique is called "Be, Do, Have," and these are the basics of it: BE the person you want to be right now by DOing what they would do, to HAVE what they have.
     Well, those of you who know me, know that there are many things I'd love to BE- a writer, an artist, a world-traveler... skinny.  So the question I pose to you is, what are the things you want to be, and are we being those people now and doing the things that those people would do so that we can have what they have?  Probably not.  Many of us are too scared to ask for the things we really want or may even be scared to get them.  Or, we see these dreams of ours as being far off into the future.  Well I'll be (this) after I do (that) and then I can feel (like this).
     Unfortunately, it is exactly this line of futuristic thinking that is holding us back from realizing our dreams sooner.  I am reminded of something I read in a book about writing once.  (I am great at reading books about writing, actually writing on a regular basis, not so much...)  It states, "WRITERS WRITE."  This woman put a huge sign of it up in her office, and all around her house, if I remember correctly.  She had to remind herself to embody this role she was attempting, even though it was something she loved.  Now that I write for visitsouth.com, and I get paid actual money, I should consider myself a writer.  And yet, a part of me feels like I won't really be a writer until I publish my book.  This is silly, backwards thinking.  I am a writer because I write. I am an artist because I paint.  I don't have to be famous or rolling in money from either one of these endeavors for it to be more real, more true.
     So I am trying to change my thinking and Be who I want to be now.  Changing our thoughts is the first step, because our actions spring from what we believe about what we can and can't do.  Just bought some new paints today, feeling nervous, but I'm excited to start again.  After all, painters paint.

Our thoughts and imagination are the only real limits to our possibilities. ~Orison S. Marde

March 23: Put Yourself Out There

I had a nice chat with my g-ma today.  And when I told her that I was writing for a website she said, "that's good, now people will know you are alive."  And I thought it was really funny for some reason.  It is really hard for me to put myself out there, in any capacity.  Meeting new people, striking up conversations, trying to make valuable contacts.  Even in our personal relationships that should already be comfortable- we don't like to be vulnerable, we don't like to apologize or look weak or strange or let the people in our lives really know how much we love them, how much we need them.  Logically, I can work things out.  The more friends you have, the more loved you feel and the more fulfilling your life.  The more contacts you make, the higher the chance of finding someone who may teach you something or provide you an amazing opportunity you otherwise wouldn't have had.  The more generous you are with yourself in your personal relationships, the more generous those people will be with you, and the deeper and more meaningful those relationships will be.  I know all of this... and yet...
     So I looked up "How to Put Yourself Out There," and found some disturbing advice. 1.) Think of ways to get more attention.  (I am the "put on your sunglasses, be quiet, blend in, and observe girl.")  2.) Be courteous, confident, and outgoing.  (Courteous, okay... but confident? yikes.)  3.) Go for what you want.  (You mean instead of waiting for someone to pluck me out of obscurity and hand it to me?)  4.) Stay dedicated and determined.  (Guess my "try it once and move on" technique is holding me back...) and 5.) Don't be afraid of change.  (This one I can really get behind.  I LOVE change.  And not just because it's shiny and goes "ting" when you put it in a jar.  I THRIVE on it!)
     Anyway, I am mildly proud of myself tonight because I "put myself out there" in several ways today: I emailed an artist who was kind enough to check out my blog and comment, I introduced myself to several business owners downtown while researching for my latest article, and I struck up random conversations with total strangers while out and about.  Were all of these interactions rousing success stories?  Not really.  But hey, who knows what the future holds...

“Each one of you has something no one else has, or has ever had: your fingerprints, your brain, your heart. Be an individual. Be unique. Stand out. Make noise. Make someone notice. That's the power of individuals.” ~Jon Bon Jovi

March 22: Be wEiRd...

Okay, so I had no idea what to post about tonight, and I even surfed the internet for awhile seeking inspiration (which is totally retarded because inspiration should come from withIN).  And I'm not sure if it's the cough medicine thinking or not, but I decided to write tonights post on being weird.  What made me think of this is that I had an awesome meditation today, and I almost told my sister all about it, but thought it was maybe too weird. But then, I thought, "she knows I'm weird, I've been weird around her her entire life, why should I shield her from my weirdness now?"  Weirdness, in fact, is one of my favorite qualities in life: weird people, weird food, weird art, weird books, weird movies, weird music.  All weird really means is unusual.  And unusual is interesting.  The best things in my life are weird.  For example, my weird family:
1.) remember that time we went through a drive-thru and they gave us like ten straws even though we only got two drinks, and you turned around and put the extra straws between your fingers and then slashed my throat and yelled "WOLVERINE!" and I swerved and almost killed us?  Yeah, that was great.
2.) remember the time Dad was working over at the neighbors and you were driving home and he saw your van down the street, so he laid on the ground and put the ladder on top of him so you would think he fell?
3.) remember how you came home from school and I said you smelled like E.T.'s bellybutton?
4.) remember that one night that dad was pouting and hadn't spoken to anyone for like an hour, and we were making up a poem and needed a word to rhyme with Cody and Dad said "bloaty" and we were crying we were laughing so hard?
5.) remember how Magic (our cat) used to hide under the beds when it was time for her to go out at night and we used to lure her out by throwing my heating pad on the ground and turning on the massager?
6.) remember when you brought in the laundry by piling it on your back and then started talking like that freakin' creepy lady in "The Labyrinth?"  "Where's your panda slippers, you can't forget your panda slippers..."
7.) remember how dad found that mummified cat when he was remodeling a building and he kept it for years and brought it out to show our friends and told them it was our pet, "Noodle?"

For tips on how to be weird, check out: http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Weird

“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”